Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"