so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My vagina just recognized that song.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.