she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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