We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
