Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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