I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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