i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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