he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
