i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
