Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
