Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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