So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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