In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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