Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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