Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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