it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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