I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
