I wish I only lived at night.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
