the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
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i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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