My balls are so social today.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
