With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
