The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
