she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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