APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Everclear isn't food dammit
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
