so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
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Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
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It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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