Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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