do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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