do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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