no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This baby is an asshole
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
