I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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