I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
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Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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