I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
