I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
