mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
