my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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