he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
