every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
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That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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