Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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