there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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