It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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