did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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