oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
