dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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