fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
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stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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