he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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