someone threw a dead crab at me
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
