it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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