we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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