Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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