If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
