so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
