The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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