Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just threw up on my dentist
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
