I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
