Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
