I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
