Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
