Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He passed out mid-signature
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
