Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
