mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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