watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
