we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
