Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
